I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize