apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
