the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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