Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
