Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
she peed on how many people?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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