Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
