I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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