can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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