I just threw up on my dentist
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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