you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
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