Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
