If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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