it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize