you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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