and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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