the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
