He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
