oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
