so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
