maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
