Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
