I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize