Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i think i have two assholes
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
