Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
