my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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