whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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