Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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