The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize