Tell her she can't have a vagina
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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