'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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