Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
The air was thick with penises
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize