oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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