Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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