i just wanna soil my oats bro
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
