Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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