What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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