Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
