so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
