just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize