i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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