What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
