I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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