I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
