new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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