why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
