I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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