she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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