Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
