my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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