you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
