Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
