Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
