Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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