Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
