The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
