Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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