and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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